Ross Wade

Cat Bloopers Installment #3

2008-06-19T17:16:46Z

Can you guess the winner?

This is awesome:
0:46

Cat Bloopers Installment #2

2008-06-15T16:22:05Z

my favorites:
0:49
1:34
2:06
3:24

Cat Bloopers Installment #1

2008-06-12T09:18:23Z

I Didn't Pee in Your Coffee

2007-07-20T21:55:40Z

Well, I've been in New York for almost two months now. The internship is going really well and my on-campus job is relatively painless. I saw "Your Anatomy is Hilarious" by the Impending Mustache last weekend and I loved it. It was great to see Katie and Daniel again and it's always reassuring to see that there's some semblance of life after college.

"Shed of the Dead" has been giving me problems, and I recently decided to replace it with another one-act. I know I'll come back to it eventually, but it's not going to part of the aforementioned Hall of Fantasy quartet. I finished the first draft of the replacement last night and I'm really pleased with it.

Anyway, I'm writing because while I was at work the other day I stumbled upon the 2007 edition of the SLC Review. I'd never read one of these before, or even been aware of their existence, and I was surprised to find a lot of great works. I didn't read all of the selections in the SLC review, but these were my favorites of the ones I read. I mostly only read pieces if they had a title that grabbed me or they were penned by someone I knew. Seriously though, check these out:

Phoebe's Stop'N'Eat by Amy Liedman
A trucker tells another trucker of his encounter with a zombie. This story's really short, but that's part of what makes it so awesome. It's ridiculous how much silliness is packed into just a few paragraphs. I also didn't know Amy could write like this.

What Nature Means to Me by Brian Logue
I'd heard that Brian's poems were hilarious, so I was excited to find that one of them was included in this year's review. Definitely worth a read.

Thief by Neil Knox
A master thief breaks into a museum to rescue an ancient Egyptian princess. Described as an "unproducible play" by the review's editor, this script was a welcome escape into the world of fantasy. It was fun trying to visualize it actually being performed.

The Life and Times of a Fraternity Brother by Nick Sansone
A frat boy embarks on an epic quest to score some tail. This one was really funny and clever. I read Nick's LJ from time to time, so it was great to get a glimpse of his creative writing. Nick had another story published in the review, a chapter from a "lost" Herman Melville novel, but this one was my favorite.

Rebel by Amy Laburda
I don't want to give too much away on this one, so I'll just say it's a piece of hard-boiled detective fiction with a twist. It's just short enough that it didn't overstay its welcome, but it also left me wanting more. In a good way.

Before I go I also wanted to share another scene I wrote a while back. This one's called "Strange Brew" and it was written for the last SLC Lampoon show. It's about a couple with some serious trust issues.

“Strange Brew”

The location? A kitchen, morning. DONNA flits about the room wearing a man’s dress shirt as she makes breakfast. KEN stumbles out from the bedroom, wearing pajamas.

DONNA
Good morning, cranky pants.

KEN
Hey. How long have you been up?

DONNA
Six-thirty. I woke up extra-early this morning and I thought, “Hey you know what I should do? I should fix Kenneth a nice, big breakfast. Waffles, pancakes, apple fritters –

KEN
Wow that’s great…

DONNA
Orange poppy cheese bread, apricot Danishes, the works! And what better way to start off your morning than with a big, creamy cup of steaming hot java.

DONNA takes a pot of coffee from the counter and pours it into Ken’s mug.

KEN
Wow, Donna, this is amazing. Listen I wanted to tell you last night, I’m sorry I didn’t call you after last week. I was really tied up at work –

DONNA
Say no more. All is forgotten. Here you go.
DONNA places the mug in front of KEN. KEN takes the coffee and raises it to his lips.
I didn’t pee in your coffee.

KEN
What?

DONNA
What?

KEN
What did you just say?

DONNA
What?

DONNA takes a bowl of oatmeal from the counter and brings it to the table.

KEN
You just said, “I didn’t pee in your coffee.”

DONNA
Well I didn’t.

KEN
But why would you say that?

DONNA
Why shouldn’t I?

KEN
I just don’t understand –

DONNA
Kenneth, our relationship is in its infancy. We’re still establishing what most couples take for granted; communication, fidelity, intimacy, trust. I want you to trust that I didn’t pee in your coffee.

KEN
But why would I even think that?

DONNA
How do you know you that I didn’t? We barely know each other! We went on our first date last week and we haven’t spoken since.

KEN
And like I said, I’m sorry I didn’t call.

DONNA
It’s okay! That doesn’t matter. None of that matters. All that matters to me right now is that you know that I didn’t pee in your coffee.

KEN
Okay.
KEN takes the cup of coffee and raises it to his lips. He puts it down.
I just don’t get why you would say that.

DONNA
Kenneth we are a nation at war! Our government lies to us every day! Who can you trust? The President? The Supreme Court? The guy who tells you he’ll call you and then he doesn’t?

KEN
I said I was sorry!

DONNA
Kenneth, this isn’t about whether or not I peed in your coffee. This isn’t about whether or not you called me back when you said you would. This is about trust. This is about taking your heart and ripping it out of your chest and holding it out in front of someone and saying to them, “I trust you!” That’s what this is. This is about you on the top of a tree and me at the bottom with my arms out to catch you and you jumping off that tree and saying, “This is some good coffee!” And if you can’t understand that then I don’t know what I’m doing in your kitchen wearing your one-hundred percent pinpoint cotton Oxford dress shirt.

KEN takes this in. He looks at the coffee, then at DONNA.

KEN
Okay.

DONNA
Okay?

KEN
I’ll do it.

DONNA
You will?

KEN
I will. Donna, I came into this relationship with a lot of baggage, and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to learn to trust again. That’s why I didn’t call you. I was afraid. But I’m not afraid anymore. I feel safe with you. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point but I think I’m finally ready to take the plunge.

DONNA
You are?

KEN
I am.

DONNA
You will?

KEN
I will.

DONNA
You’ll drink?

KEN
I’ll drink.

DONNA
Then drink!

KEN takes the coffee mug and takes a big gulp. A pause.

KEN
Wow. This is good.

DONNA
You like it?

KEN
I do. This is some good coffee.

DONNA
See I told you I didn’t pee in your coffee.

KEN
I feel like such a dick.

DONNA
Why?

KEN
I pooped in your oatmeal.

DONNA
Dammit!

The End.

Cast of Characters:
DONNA...Elizabeth Rowe
KEN... Michael Levine

You Always Do This!

2007-05-30T22:59:17Z

Well, I've spent the last two weeks at home relaxing and working on a new play. The progress on this new play has been significantly stunted, however, by movies and television. Most of my time has been spent catching up on the first two seasons of Lost and watching films, the latest of which being Waitress, which I highly recommend. Andy Griffith's performance is priceless and it was fun watching leclowne's mom on the big screen. I didn't know she was going to be in the film but I recognized her instantly.

Anyhow, I'm currently working on "Shed of the Dead", the first of a series of four one-act plays, which I aim to complete over the summer. I'd like to have them performed all together at some point in a night of one-acts tentatively titled Gallery of Fantasy. They're very strongly inspired by television shows like The Twilight Zone, radio programs such as Escape and adult fiction by Roald Dahl. I don't want to say much more for fear that I'll jinx the project, but now that I've announced this endeavor it provides me with that much more of an incentive to actually go through with it. There's nothing like telling someone about a project you're working on only to have to tell them later that you never finished it. I hate that.

Below is a scene I wrote for Lampoon's "Choose Your Own Apocalypse" show. Owen and I had to rehearse for hours in order to get our performance just right, and after you read the script I think you'll understand why. It was also really hard to figure out how to correctly format this scene for LiveJournal, so I hope it works for everyone.

“Double Date”

The location? A charming restaurant. KRISTEN and KAREN, two beautiful young women,
sit across from one another. KRISTEN is excited but KAREN is anxious.

KRISTEN
Isn’t this great? The restaurant is gorgeous!

KAREN
I know Kristen but do you think this a good idea? A double blind date?

KRISTEN
Karen, honey, you’ve got to wake up. This is the new millennium.
Internet dating is how you meet people. And you’re going to love these guys.
They’re twins.

KAREN
Twins?

KRISTEN
Twins. Oh, I think this is them.
DOUG and DALE enter.
Hello boys.

DOUG and DALE
Hello ladies, a pleasure to meet you.

KRISTEN
The feeling is mutual. Please, sit down.

DOUG and DALE
Don’t mind if we do!
DOUG and DALE sit down in unison. In fact, every move they make is done in perfect
harmony.
You must be Kristen and Karen. We’re Doug and Dale. I’m Doug (Dale),
and he’s Dale (Doug). We’re twins!

DOUG and DALE laugh and high-five. They reach for their drinks and take a sip.

KAREN
Do you always do that?

DOUG and DALE
What?

KAREN
Talk at the same time. Is this a joke or something?

DOUG and DALE
(They chuckle) Allow us to explain. When our mother gave birth to us we were
born conjoined at the brain. We were separated by disjunctive surgery shortly
thereafter, but ever since we have shared a telepathic connection. Though our
bodies are separate our minds are one. Every word we speak, every action we take,
is made in perfect agreement.

KRISTEN
That is so interesting. (aside to KAREN) So, what do you think?

KAREN
I don’t know –

KRISTEN
I like the quiet one.

KAREN
Kristen, this is insane. They’re the same person.

KRISTEN
What are you talking about? Doug is totally the dominant one. He’s got that strong,
assertive voice. And I think he likes you.

KAREN looks to DOUG and DALE. They give her a flirtatious nod.

KAREN
Well, they are cute, but they’re inseparable! They’re like two peas in a pod.
Can you imagine coming between them?
The girls imagine this.
(to DOUG and DALE) So, you two must do everything together.

A WAITRESS enters.

WAITRESS
Hello everyone. Good evening and welcome to Gemini’s. Today is Two-For-Two Tuesdays
so our soup du jour is Two Bean Soup and for dessert we have Double Dutch Scones.
Y’all ready to order?

DOUG and DALE place two fingers on each temple and have a telepathic conversation.
THEY turn to the WAITRESS.

DOUG and DALE
Indeed we are!
THEY open their menus and clear their throats.
Tonight I will have the Chicken Finger BLT with french fries, melted Pepper Jack cheese
and honey mustard mayo on the side. For desert I will have the –

DOUG DALE
Apple Waffle Crunch. Peanut Butter Swirl.
DOUG and DALE share a look and turn back to the WAITRESS.
I will have the I will have the
Apple Waffle – Peanut Butter –

DOUG and DALE stare at each other with daggers in their eyes.

DOUG and DALE
(to WAITRESS) Excuse us.

DOUG and DALE turn away to speak privately.

DOUG DALE
Dale, I thought we agreed that we Doug, I thought we agreed that we
would have the Apple Waffle Crunch. Would have the Peanut Butter Swirl.
We always have the Peanut Butter We always have the Apple Waffle
Swirl, tonight I told you I wanted to try Crunch, tonight I told you I wanted to
the Apple Waffle Crunch. Why do we try the Peanut Butter Swirl. Why do we
always have to eat what you want to always have to eat what you want to
eat? You always do this! eat? You always do this!

KAREN
It’s not really a big deal –

DOUG DALE
Stay out of this, wench. Mom always Stay out of this, wench. Mom always
liked me best. You have always been liked you best. I have always been the
the black sheep of the family. You black sheep of the family. I never do
never do anything for yourself; all you anything for myself; all I ever do is ride
ever do is ride on my coattails. Well on your coattails. Well I’ve had
I’ve had enough! I’m tired of sharing enough! I’m tired of sharing the
the spotlight. From now on it’s going spotlight. From now on it’s going to be
to be me, me, me! We both walked into me, me, me! We both walked into this
this restaurant but only one of us is restaurant but only one of us is
walking out! walking out!

DOUG and DALE engage in hand-to-hand combat, but their identical moves neutralize one
another. Finally, they grab knives from the dinner table. With a barbaric roar they stab
one another in the heart. They slowly begin to sink to their knees as they die.

DOUG and DALE
Gotcha.

DOUG and DALE fall to the ground, dead. KRISTEN, KAREN and the WAITRESS are bewildered.

WAITRESS
And what can I get the two of you?

KRISTEN and KAREN
Check please.

The End.

Cast of Characters:
DOUG...Owen Scott
DALE...Ross Wade
KRISTEN...Erica Steiner
KAREN...Daryl Ellerbe
WAITRESS...Rory O'Toole

I didn't come from no dinosaur!

2007-05-27T17:30:20Z

This is frickin'nuts.

Of course, none of this is really about proving that the book of Genesis is scientifically sound. It's all about creating audio-animatronic cavemen to fight with audio-animatronic dinosaurs in multi-million dollar museum displays.

So, wanna read a funny sketch? 'Kay.

I wrote this one for Lampoon's first show of the year, which was produced in Downstage. I got the idea for this sketch during a brainstorming rehearsal for Midnight Cabaret. In the end, I wasn't in the show that week, but since we share all our ideas in Cabaret, there was a scene performed that week based on this exact same premise. I didn't find this out before it was too late, but I find it mildly amusing that, over the course of one week, two sketches were performed on campus that were both about children staring at the sun.

“Eyes of the Sun”

The location? A shiny, schmaltzy children’s show. A group of CHILDREN are surrounding the show’s host, CONDUCTOR KELLIE, who is dressed like a railway conductor. SHERMAN, another child, sits next to Conductor Kellie with an over-sized book on his lap.

CONDUCTOR KELLIE
(Sickeningly cheery) Howdy Wangle Gang, Toot toot! I’m Conductor Kellie, and we’re chugga-chugga chuggin’ into the Story Time Station for another Story Time story for kids, by kids! Right Sherman?

SHERMAN
(Intensely calm) That’s right, Kellie.

CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Today Sherman’s going to read a story he wrote, isn’t that right?

SHERMAN
Correct again, Kellie. Today’s story was inspired by “Night on Bald Mountain”, a tone poem by Russian composer Modest Petrovich Mussorgsky.

CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Wangle! That sounds really creative!

SHERMAN
And now, submitted for the approval of the Story Time Station, I call this story, “Eyes of the Sun”.

“Night on Bald Mountain”, which has been playing in the background, reaches an orchestral climax as the story begins. We are at the home of CLARENCE ICARUS as he and his two best buddies, BUCKY and GERTIE, run into the back yard.

GERTIE
Man, this rocks the hizzy! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and we got the whole day to do whatever we want!

CLARENCE and BUCKY
Summer rules!

THEY exchange enthusiastic high-fives.

GERTIE
What do you wanna do?

CLARENCE
(producing firecracker) I found these firecrackers in my dad’s tool shed. We could light one and put it in my mouth.

BUCKY
(producing paint thinner) And I found this can of paint thinner in the garage. We could burn off our freckles.

GERTIE
Well, those ideas are pretty good, but I got a better one…

GERTIE produces a bottle of drain cleaner from behind her back.

BUCKY
Whoa…

GERTIE
I found it under the sink.

BUCKY
What is it?

GERTIE
I don’t know, but it’s blue and it killed my cat. Let’s drink it!

The CHILDREN are just about to drink the drain cleaner when CLARENCE’S MOTHER enters. THEY quickly hide everything behind their backs.

MOTHER
(Gasp) Clarence Daedalus Icarus, just what do you think you’re doing?

CLARENCE
(Sigh) Nothing, Mother…

MOTHER
You hand over those fireworks pronto, mister.

CLARENCE
Mo-om…

MOTHER
Now! You too, Bucky. Give me that paint thinner. Gertie, don’t think for a second I don’t see that Drāno Foamer!

BUCKY
We weren’t going to drink it, Mrs. Icarus, for serious. We were just going to play with it –

MOTHER
I don’t want to hear another word. You three play nice and remember to put on sunscreen every two hours. I’ll be knitting.

MOTHER exits. The CHILDREN are alone.

BUCKY
Man, your mom’s a total bummer, Clarence. It’s like she’s got eyes in the back of her head and everything!

CLARENCE
I know. We had the whole day planned out and now it’s ruined!

BUCKY
Now what’re we gonna do?

GERTIE
We could stare at the sun.

CLARENCE
The sun?

GERTIE
Up there.

The CHILDREN looks up into the sky as the SUN enters. She is dressed like a Las Vegas showgirl in bright oranges, reds and yellows.

BUCKY
Wow, she’s beautiful!

CLARENCE
I’m mesmerized by the sun spots and solar flares –

BUCKY
Wait! My mom told me looking at the sun for too long makes you blind!

GERTIE
That’s not what I heard. I heard on the playground that if you stare at the sun long enough it gives you x-ray vision. Our parents just say it’s bad for us so we won’t get super powers.

BUCKY
Do you think it’s true?

CLARENCE
Only one way to find out.
The CHILDREN stare into the SUN. Slowly, She begins to dance. It is a slow, sexy, hypnotic dance.
Look, I see something! It’s moving!

BUCKY
No, it’s dancing!

GERTIE
The sun is dancing!

Just as the sun opens its mouth, CLARENCE’S FATHER barges in. He is appalled.

FATHER
Clarence Daedalus Icarus, what in Hell’s Kitchen is going on here?

BUCKY
It’s a parent!

GERTIE
Run!

BUCKY and GERTIE run away. The SUN exits.

CLARENCE
I can explain!

FATHER
Explain it in your room, mister. Now!

FATHER shoves CLARENCE offstage as MOTHER enters.

MOTHER
What is it? What’s going on?

FATHER
It’s the kids! I caught them staring at the sun.

MOTHER
What? For how long?

FATHER
I don’t know, Grace, I don’t know!

MOTHER
Oh this is bad, Rick, this is bad –

FATHER
You think I don’t know that? For centuries the parental instinct has been the world’s most closely guarded secret. If those kids find out that staring at the sun gives you x-ray vision the elders will have our heads!

MOTHER
What are we going to do?

FATHER
There’s a hatchet in my toolbox. Go get Clarence. It’s time we had a little chat.

CLARENCE is in his room, looking up at the sky.

CLARENCE
Cheese and crackers, I really made a mess of things.

The SUN enters.

THE SUN
Psst! Psst!

CLARENCE
Hot Fudge Sundae, it’s the Sun!

THE SUN
Hello Clarence. I couldn’t help noticing you staring at me.

CLARENCE
Don’t remind me. Now I’m in big trouble!

THE SUN
Don’t worry about that, Clarence. I can make it all better.

CLARENCE
You can?

THE SUN
Come with me, I’ll show you my magic dance!

The SUN dances, seductively leading CLARENCE away as he slips into a trance-like state. The PARENTS come charging onto the stage.

FATHER
Oh where is he, where is he? We’ve looked everywhere!

MOTHER
I told you, I went to his room and he was gone.

FATHER
He’s acting out. He’s trying to get attention. He’s been this way ever since we told him about the divorce. God damn it, where is he?

CLARENCE enters. He is eerily serene.

CLARENCE
Hello Mother, Father.

MOTHER
Oh, Clarence! Thank goodness. We were looking all over for you.

FATHER
I’ve got a surprise for you, son; a little present. Come over to the toolbox and I’ll show it to you.
FATHER opens the toolbox. It is empty.
That’s funny, I could’ve sworn I put it –
CLARENCE produces the hatchet from behind his back…
Oh no. Clarence no!
…and drives it into his father’s skull. He proceeds to chop down his mother as well. This is all performed in slow motion as “Night on Bald Mountain” is played in the background. After the dirty deed is done, BUCKY and GERTIE enter.

GERTIE
Clarence, what’s going on?

BUCKY
We heard screams.

CLARENCE
The screams of my parents. They were going to kill me and get a divorce. I used my x-ray vision to find this hatchet and beat them at their own game.

BUCKY
But Clarence, that’s murder! You’ll burn in Hell!

CLARENCE
We all burn…in the Eyes of the Sun.

The lights fall on CLARENCE as we return to CONDUCTOR KELLIE and SHERMAN who is stone faced as he closes the book. KELLIE is at a loss for words.

CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Wow, Sherman. That was really…um, I think it was just, uh…wow that was fucked up.

SHERMAN
I’ve been reading a lot of H.P. Lovecraft.

CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Are you going to be all right? Do you need a ride home or anything?

SHERMAN
I’m fine. My Mom’s supposed to pick me up and drive me to my Dad’s house.

CONDUCTOR KELLIE
Oh, your parents are divorced. I was wondering why you wrote this. That must have been your loco-motive, toot-toot!
CONDUCTOR KELLIE attempts to salvage the situation, but it’s hopeless.
Well that’s all the time we have at Story Time Station. Join us tomorrow when we’ll hear a story inspired by the films of David Lynch.

The End.

Cast of Characters:
CONDUCTOR KELLIE...Daryl Ellerbe
SHERMAN...Ernest Merrimont
CLARENCE...AstonHollins McClanahan
BUCKY...Amy Liedman
GERTIE...Chet Siegel
MOTHER...Erica Steiner
FATHER...Ross Wade
THE SUN...Rory O'Toole

All we need is a little order around here!

2007-05-25T07:08:26Z

I just watched The Stepfather on VHS and I highly recommend it. Terry O’Quinn (that’s right, John Locke from Lost) stars as Jerry Blake, a homicidal sociopath obsessed with creating the perfect family…at any cost.

I stumbled upon it quite by accident. I have a bunch of bootleg VHS tapes I bought a few years ago, each containing 3-4 films. I popped one in tonight planning to watch Evil Dead II, which was the second film on the tape. While fast-forwarding through the first film, I recognized O’Quinn’s name in the credits and accidentally happened upon a long-lost gem.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

NEIGHBOR: “It makes you wonder though, what's it take to make a guy turn his family into Gainesburgers?”
JERRY: "Maybe they dissapointed him."

“You’re a very bad girl.” – Jerry Blake after his stepdaughter’s inconvenient arrival

“Next time, Jim, call before you drop by.” – Jerry Blake after killing an unexpected guest

Seriously, if you’re a Lost fan you should check it out. And now, I’ll share with you another scene.

One week the theme of the SLC Midnight Cabaret show was "home". As we each shared what home meant to us at our first rehearsal, a lot of people brought up the film The Wizard of Oz. With this in mind, I decided to write a scene about Dorothy Gale's search for home in an ever-changing world.

“Nowhere Over The Rainbow”

The location? The merry old land of Oz. DOROTHY is despondent, having just watched The Wizard float away by balloon.

DOROTHY
This is just terrible! Oh Toto, what are we going to do? The Wizard was my only way of getting home and now’s he’s floating away!
TOTO barks with excitement.
You’re right, Toto, someone’s coming!

GLINDA glides in from inside her bubble.

GLINDA
Hello Dorothy. It looks like you’re in a spot of trouble.

DOROTHY
Oh Glinda would you help me? Can you help me?

GLINDA
You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve had the power all along.

DOROTHY
You mean, these ruby red slippers have been my ticket home from the beginning? You mean all I have to do is close my eyes and click my heels together and I’ll be back in Kansas?

GLINDA
No, not at all. You can never go home again Dorothy; that’s the way life is. The moment we leave home we begin a journey to find a new one, a home we can truly call our own.

DOROTHY
I don’t believe you, Glinda. Kansas is my home and I’ll prove it to you.

GLINDA
I don’t think you get it.

DOROTHY
Come on, Toto.

GLINDA
You’re really missing the point.

DOROTHY
Let’s go!

GLINDA
Wait!

DOROTHY closes her eyes and clicks her heels together.

DOROTHY
There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!
The world spins around DOROTHY and TOTO as they are transported back to Kansas. When they arrive, a SCIENTIST with a clipboard is present. A menagerie of ROBOTS are moving about in the background.
Look Toto! We’re back at the farm, but it looks different.

SCIENTIST
Little girl, do you realize you’re trespassing on private property?

DOROTHY
Who are you?

SCIENTIST
I am a scientist, and this farmland belongs to Biokinetitech Incorporated. Here we employ state of the art farming technology and harvest genetically engineered produce for a better tomorrow.

DOROTHY
But what about Auntie Em? Where’s Uncle Henry?

SCIENTIST
Those old farts? They sold this land to us and moved to Florida.

DOROTHY
I don’t like this place, Toto.

SCIENTIST
Security, please escort this young girl – hey! Hey!
The SCIENTIST grabs the SCARECROW by the neck as he attempts to sneak into the farm.
Egad, not you again. I told you we’re not interested.

DOROTHY
Scarecrow!

SCARECROW
Hello Dorothy.

SCIENTIST
You know what? I think it’s time you met my friend Zippo –

The SCIENTIST produces a lighter but DOROTHY pushes her away.

DOROTHY
You stay away from him. (to SCARECROW) What are you doing here?

SCARECROW
I decided to leave Oz to try to find work, but the farms keep telling me I’ve been replaced by easy-listening music and jazz.

TOTO barks sadly.

DOROTHY
I think you’re right, Toto, this isn’t my home anymore. I know! We’ll go to Kansas Elementary, my old school. Wonderful teachers, friendly students, I’m sure we’ll feel right at home.

SCARECROW
You think so?

DOROTHY
I know so. Let’s go, Toto. Toto! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!

The world spins around DOROTHY and SCARECROW as they are transported to Kansas Elementary. When they arrive, PRINCIPAL ELVIRA GULCH is supervising STUDENTS as they walk through a metal detector.

GULCH
That’s right my pretties, that’s right! Walk through the metal detectors to your sub-par education! But be careful! No pocket knives, butter knives, nail clippers, hedge clippers and God help your soul if you have pornography! Locker inspections start in ten minutes! You! What are you doing here? Is that marijuana?

DOROTHY
It’s a scarecrow.

GULCH
Don’t play dumb with me. Nothing evades the eyes of Elvira Gulch!

DOROTHY
Principal Gulch, I’d like to come back to school. You see, I was swept away to a magical land of munchkins and flying monkeys –

GULCH
Flying monkeys, eh? And just how did these monkeys fly?

DOROTHY
Well, I imagine they developed their wings through a series of genetic mutations passed on by natural selection –

GULCH
Stop right there! I won’t have any of that godless claptrap uttered in my school. God’s creatures were intelligently designed by a natural creator.

DOROTHY
But –

GULCH
Run along, you pot-smoking atheist.
The metal detector goes off.
What’s going on?

TIN MAN
I’m sorry Principal Gulch. It was an accident.

GULCH
You! I told you to never come here again!

SCARECROW
Tin Man?

TIN MAN
Hello Scarecrow, hi Dorothy. I left Oz to complete my education, but I can’t get past any of the metal detectors.

GULCH
I won’t have any hooligans messing up our test scores and fucking up our funding. No Child Left Behind!

DOROTHY
I’ve had enough of this! I know where home is now. We’ll go to Mickey’s. It’s my favorite soda fountain and they have ice cream and cheeseburgers and everything!

TIN MAN
Are there any metal detectors?

DOROTHY
No metal detectors at all! There’s no place like home! There’s no place like home!

The world spins around DOROTHY, SCARECROW and TIN MAN. They end up in front of a McDonald’s.

DRIVE-THRU
Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your order?

DOROTHY
Golly Moses, Not again! Why can’t anything stay the same?

The COWARDLY LION enters wearing a shirt that reads “Meat is Murder”.

COWARDLY LION
Stop right there, stop right there, y’see? Meat is murder, is what it is, meat is murder!

DOROTHY
Cowardly Lion?

COWARDLY LION
That’s right, Dorothy! Ever since I got my courage I been usin’ it to stick to the man, stick it to the man!

DRIVE-THRU
Pardon me, but you’ll all have to move along. We have customers to serve.

COWARDLY LION
Customers to serve and blood to spill’s more like it!

DRIVE-THRU
Sir do not make me forcibly remove you –

COWARDLY LION
Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Your dukes that is!

TIN MAN
We don’t want any trouble!

COWARDLY LION
That’s it I’m comin’ in there!

DRIVE-THRU
Sir I am warning you to stay where you are! I mean it! If you do not obey me…
The COWARDLY LION opens the drive-thru window to reveal the WIZARD OF OZ in a fast-food uniform.
…There will be grave consequences, very grave – oh! Uh, pay no attention to the man behind the fast food counter –

DOROTHY
It’s The Wizard of Oz!

THE WIZARD
Oh hello Dorothy, everyone, I didn’t see you there –

SCARECROW
I never thought I’d see you here mister wizard, sir.

THE WIZARD
Yes well, there aren’t as many job openings for wizards as there used to be.

TIN MAN
Well maybe you can still help us. Dorothy’s been looking for her home and she can’t find it anywhere!

THE WIZARD
(sigh) Dorothy, don’t you see? You’re home has been Oz all along. When you’re surrounded by friends and people who love you, that’s where home is.

SCARECROW
Gee Dorothy, looks like you’ve got all your friends right here.

DOROTHY
So this is my home.

THE WIZARD
Yes.

DOROTHY
The parking lot of a McDonald’s.

THE WIZARD
Well no –

DOROTHY
This is where I’ll sleep at night. This where I’ll get my mail.

THE WIZARD
Not exactly –

DOROTHY
“Home is where your friends are”? Do you mean to say that I’ve been clicking my heels and flying all over Kansas for something I could have found in a fortune cookie?
TOTO barks in protest.
Shut up, Toto. If I’m trying to find my way home, and friends are where home is, then I’ll make a home out of my friends! (to SCARECROW) You! You’ll make a fine straw hut! (To COWARDLY LION) And you! I’ve always wanted a lion skin rug! (To TIN MAN) Get over here you walking scrap heap!

DOROTHY attacks EVERYONE. During the struggle, the TIN MAN knocks her out with his axe. Silence.

THE WIZARD
Oh my…

COWARDLY LION
What do we do? What do we do?

SCARECROW
We could leave her in Munchkinland. I heard that by night they feed on the flesh of the innocent.

TIN MAN
Maybe if we just drop her off in the Poppy Field she’ll think it was all a dream.

THE WIZARD
I’ll get the legs.

TOTO barks in agreement. THE WIZARD, TIN MAN, SCARECROW, and COWARDLY LION carry DOROTHY as TOTO leads the way. THE END.

Cast of Characters:
DOROTHY GALE...Chet Siegel
TOTO...Rachel Sacks
GLINDA...Sadie Seymour
SCIENTIST...Beth Hintze
SCARECROW...Gabe Aronson
PRINCIPAL GULCH...Eleanor Hyde
TIN MAN...Eli Steffen
COWARDLY LION...Ross Wade
THE WIZARD...Omen Sade

This entry is a Trust Exercise

2007-05-23T06:44:35Z

I just saw Hot Fuzz tonight and it BLEW MY MIND. I haven’t seen a movie that good since Children of Men. Completely different films, disparate in every way but one: they both kicked serious cinematic posterior. I would go so far as to say I enjoyed the former more than the latter. Just goes to show nothing beats great comedy. I came out of the theatre so intimidated that I’m afraid to start working on my own script because I know nothing that I’m currently writing could possibly be as good as the script for Hot Fuzz. It was that good. So to reiterate: Hot Fuzz is an instant classic.

Before going to see Hot Fuzz, I bought the original cast recording of Evil Dead: The Musical. Honestly, I was unimpressed. There were a couple of memorable songs (I particularly liked “Good Old Reliable Jake” and “All The Men In My Life Keep Getting Killed By Candarian Demons”), but the lyrics were lazy and the music was too pop-oriented for my tastes. It seemed to be coasting on its own campy charm, of which there was a lot, but in the end it didn’t meet my expectations. I also found it encouraging though. If this show can enjoy a successful off Broadway run, then Brick by Brick definitely can.

I just had a thought. Go back to the first paragraph and replace Hot Fuzz with Babe: Pig in the City. Thank you.

So you know how I like to post scenes that I've written? Here's one that was performed in the beginning of the school year for Midnight Cabaret.

“Julius Caesar’s Senate Retreat”

The location? Ancient Rome. The SENATORS wear togas and are clearly divided into two groups; one lead by CASSIUS and BRUTUS and the other lead by CICERO. They speak secretively amongst themselves.

BRUTUS
I won’t stand for it, Cassius, I won’t!

CASSIUS
We must have patience, my dear Brutus.

BRUTUS
Ooh, the nerve of Julius Caesar, commanding that we and the other senators take part in this isolated weekend retreat!

CASSIUS
Alas, we are miles away from civilization. Caesar’s soldiers have taken my stylus and wax tablets.

CASKA
We have no means of communicating with the outside world!

BRUTUS
I wasn’t even allowed to bring my abacus! And it’s so damn shady in these tents my sundial is useless!

DECIUS
Something must be done, if Caesar becomes king –

CASSIUS
Fear not. The Ides of March draw near. It will not be long now before we –

EVIL SENATORS
Kill Caesar!

CICERO and the GOOD SENATORS have come up behind the EVIL SENATORS without their noticing.

CICERO
Hello, Cassius. Brutus.

CASSIUS
Oh, Cicero! You startled us. We were simply discussing the latest reforms of the Roman calendar –

CICERO
Do not attempt to deceive us, Cassius. We have heard everything. We have known of your assassination plot for some time and will no longer stand for this treachery. When Caesar arrives he will learn of your atrocities.

BRUTUS
Caesar’s death will be for the good of Rome. If you will not side with us then you shall share his fate.

CICERO
That is a chance we are willing to take. Good day, senators.

CICERO and the GOOD SENATORS retreat to the other side of the stage.

CASSIUS
Pay no attention to them, Gentlemen. It is only a matter of time until we kill Caesar!

EVIL SENATORS
Kill Caesar!

BRUTUS
Kill Caesar!

EVIL SENATORS
Kill Caesar!

JULIUS CAESAR enters.

CAESAR
Gentlemen!

SENATORS
Hail Caesar!

CAESAR
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. In recent months the senate has become of a place malice, contempt and dishonesty. That is why I have ordered this retreat. This weekend we will learn to trust and respect one another through a series of exercises of my own invention.

CICERO
A brilliant idea, Caesar. If I may have a word –

CAESAR
Cicero, this is not a good time –

CICERO
Yes, but it is of the utmost importance –

CAESAR
There will plenty of time to talk after we learn to trust one another. Now, let us start with the first exercise. I call it the “trust fall”. Who would like to go first?

BRUTUS
Cicero wants to go first.

CICERO
What?

CASSIUS
Yes, I distinctly heard him say, “I’ll go first.”

CICERO
I said no such thing -

CAESAR
You needn’t be shy, Cicero. Come on up here.
The EVIL SENATORS nudge and push CICERO to the front.
Excellent. The exercise goes as follows. Cicero, turn your back to the group. Everyone form a group on either side of me and face each other. At my say so, Cicero will surrender himself to the group, falling into your arms –

CICERO
Are you certain this is safe?

CAESAR
You must trust the group, Cicero. Is everybody ready?

SENATORS
Yes.

CAESAR
Cicero?

CICERO
Ready to fall.

SENATORS
Ready to catch.

CICERO
Falling.

SENATORS
Catching.

CICERO falls into backward into the group’s arms, but not before the EVIL SENATORS brandish their daggers, plunging them into his back as he falls. CICERO cries out in agony and the SENATORS drop him.

CAESAR
Zounds! What mischief is this?

POPILIUS
No mischief, my lord. Cicero is dead!

PUBLIUS
These are the stabbings of daggers! These men hath murdered him!

CAESAR
And even you, Brutus?

BRUTUS
Forgive us, Caesar. We had brandished our daggers earlier and forgot we were holding them.

POPILIUS
They lie! These men murdered Cicero to silence him!

CAESAR
That’s enough, Popilius. I trust that our fellow senators meant no harm, and as a testament to my trust I will go next.

CAESAR turns his back to the SENATORS. The EVIL SENATORS brandish their daggers and chuckle amongst themselves. The GOOD SENATORS intervene.

POPILIUS
My lord, with all due respect, the other senators and I grow tired of the “trust fall” and wish to learn new ways to trust one another.

CAESAR
Very well. The next exercise is called “All Aboard”. It’s very simple. In order to complete this exercise you must fit everyone in the senate on this pillow.

CAESAR throws a small pillow onto the ground.

CASSIUS
A single pillow?

BRUTUS
Impossible!

CAESAR
Not at all. All we need is a little teamwork. I’ll be in the center.
CAESAR steps onto the pillow.
On the count of I-I-I you will all step onto the pillow. Ready? I, I-I, I-I-I!
The SENATORS step onto the pillow, holding each other tight and balancing on the pillow.
Hold on tight. Now you see? When we work together anything is possible. This exercise is a monument to the strength of the Roman senate. Apart we are but men, but as one we are immortal!
POPILIUS falls limply to the ground.
Popilius get up. Popilius you are ruining the exercise!

PUBLIUS
(breaking from the group) My lord it’s happened again. Popilius is dead!

CASSIUS
Dead?

BRUTUS
Impossible!

PUBLIUS
Stabbed through the heart. Don’t you see, Caesar? Members of the senate are conspiring against you! They’re murdering anyone who tries to warn you!

CAESAR
Not another word, Publius. That sort of talk breeds distrust. There is no call for panic and I will prove it to you. The final exercise is called “The Walk of Trust”. I’ll just put on this blindfold –

CASSIUS
Allow me, my lord.

CASSIUS blindfolds CAESAR as he speaks.

CAESAR
Thank you, Cassius. Now form a circle around me. Now I will walk. If at any point I am about to leave the circle simply turn me in the opposite direction. My life is in your hands. On the count of I-I-I. I –

PUBLIUS
Don’t do it!

CAESAR
I-I –

PUBLIUS
They’ll kill you!

CAESAR
I-I-I!
The EVIL SENATORS attack PUBLIUS and begin stabbing him relentlessly.
You see, Publius? I’m perfectly safe. The key is to trust one another. Plunge in! Cast off your fears and go for it! Publius?
CAESAR takes off his blindfold. PUBLIUS is on the floor, dead.
What has happened?

CASSIUS
It’s most disgraceful, my lord!

BRUTUS
The moment you donned your blindfold Publius took out his dagger and attempted to murder you!

CASSIUS
He was a traitor all along, my lord.

CAESAR
I’m astounded.

BRUTUS
As were we. Luckily we were able to protect you in your vulnerable state.

CAESAR
I’m touched Brutus. Despite our differences you were willing to risk your life when mine was in danger.

CASSIUS
Absolutely, my lord. Now if you please, we have a petition we’d like you to read.

CAESAR exits with the SENATORS, all of whom are holding daggers behind their backs. The End.

Cast of Characters:
JULIUS CAESAR…Ross Wade
CASSIUS…Chet Siegel
BRUTUS…Katie O'Sullivan
CICERO…Eli Taylor
PUBLIUS…Theo Wilson
POPILIUS…Nick Falgout
DECIUS…Christine Spinelli
CASKA…Rachel Sacks

Morlock by Morlock

2007-04-19T04:14:10Z

Hello my little Lilliputs.

Today's theme is fictional species from classic literature.

The last time I wrote, the new year had just started and I talked about not making as many bad mistakes. That hasn't gone too well, but not nearly as badly as it could be going. The real reason I'm writing to you big, burly Brobdingnags is I wanted post the Brick by Brick poster for all the world to see!

Gabe was kind enough to send it to me. Exciting, huh? I love the bloody letters dribbling down the yellow wallpaper, which may or may not be a reference to The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. It really captures the show's foreboding atmosphere. My only critique is that part of me wishes the poster hadn't focused on a specific character. The way I see it, everything in the show is based on the work of Edgar Allen Poe. As a result, the real star of the show is Poe himself. Still, Lenore is a very important character, and Leonard's relationship with her is the show's linchpin. I also like that it is the portrait of Lenore, since it is such an important set piece and is representative of Lenore's perpetual presence in the house as well as Leonard's mind.

Anyway, as you can see on the poster, the show's going up next weekend. We've got a killer cast, the set is rockin' and the music sounds great! See you all there!

Also, Happy Birthday to Emily "Oompa Loompa" Gouillart! I hear she's older now. Wiser too.

And yes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory counts as classic literature.

I feel like Rodion Raskolnikov in a Russian brothel, y'know?

2007-01-04T04:58:48Z

Welcome to the New Year.

This past year was a socially turbulent one. I made a lot of mistakes and carry a lot of regret with me, but with this New Year comes a chance to rectify past blunders and improve myself. If I were to make one resolution this year, it would be to make fewer mistakes than I made the year before. Scratch that. I resolve to make the same number of mistakes, but more of the good kind, and fewer of the bad kind. The good mistakes are the ones you learn something from and ultimately make you a better person, and the bad ones are the kind that just make you worse for wear and don’t really help you grow in any way. An example of this would be riding a seatless bicycle down an escalator. Bad mistake. I also resolve to make a joke about Dostoyevsky in casual conversation that convincingly creates the false impression that I am familiar with his work.

Creatively, this past year was equally turbulent but much more rewarding. I haven’t written an update about Brick by Brick in a while, but I can now officially announce that it will receive a full production in the Spring semester. It’s being directed by the second year graduate student Layla Ebtehadj. She blew Nehemiah and I away at her interview and I know she’s going to do a fantastic job. As for all of you who wrote e-mails to John Dillon, urging him to seriously consider the musical, thank you. When Kevin Confoy informed Nehemiah and I that the show was being produced, one of the first things he mentioned was the inundation of e-mails they received from our friends. It means a lot.

In the past two-and-half weeks that I’ve been home, I’ve made a tremendous amount of progress. As of last night, the second draft of Brick by Brick has been completed. In addition to extensive revisions of the book, I have written new lyrics for three songs as well an entirely new song. “Damn the Beast”, which was sung by Leonard, Maillard and Lenore, has been replaced by “Shackles of the Heart”, a solo vehicle for Leonard. There were a number of reasons for this. “Damn the Beast” took place in a flashback, and since Act One, Scene Three now takes place in the present, “Damn the Beast” became irrelevant and out of touch with Leonard’s desires. Leonard also really needed his own song in the First Act. Additionally, I felt that Maillard, who sings prominently in the number, was overpowering the show. Before the revisions, she sang more than both Raven and Rowena, who are much more important characters to the story. As a result, the roles of Raven and Rowena were also expanded. The role of Dupin was subsequently reduced, emphasizing her function as a storyteller in the show and decreasing her function as an active character in the narrative. I wouldn’t say her role is smaller now, but its purpose is definitely different.

Well, that’s all I really have to report for now. Nehemiah and I are getting together this weekend to start working on the new material. He’s been tooling and retooling some songs, and I can’t wait to hear what he’s done with some of them. I’ve also got to start working on writing my episode for Downstage’s “For Your Listening Pleasure” radio series. It’s going to take place on a schooner and is currently titled “Succubus”!

And now, I will bring my post full-circle with this:

bad mistake.

Brick By Brick News

2006-11-27T23:59:27Z

Well, it's been a long journey, but it's been well worth it. A few weeks ago Midnight Cabaret independently produced a staged reading of “Brick by Brick”.Over 170 people were in attendance, and I don't have any qualms about declaring the night an indisputable hit. As a result of this, the Sarah Lawrence theatre department is now considering “Brick by Brick” for a full production in the spring. This is a really big deal when you consider that, when it was first submitted, the department was not even interested in giving the show so much as a reading.

While this is really great news, it also presents a new challenge. Only three faculty members attended the reading. Though they enjoyed the show, three voices cannot guarantee a full production. Nehemiah and I have been working on this show for well over a year now, and a full production is precisely what this show needs to become the best it can be. This week, a committee is being formed to decide which shows will be included in the spring season.

If you were involved with “Brick by Brick”, saw “Brick by Brick”, or are in any way supportive of me or Nehemiah Luckett, please e-mail John Dillon at jdillon@slc.edu and let him know that you want to see a full production of “Brick by Brick” in the spring semester. John Dillon is the head of the Sarah Lawrence Theatre department, and any final decisions regarding the spring season will be made by him. It is thanks to Midnight Cabaret that this show is being given the attention it deserves. With your support, it could be given the production it deserves. Let’s make it happen.

Dark Times at SLC

2006-11-25T18:56:21Z

After "The Balloon Man" was fairly well recieved, I attended the second week on Midnignt Cabaret with the intention to write another crowd-pleasing scene. The Great Blackout of '06 had just occurred, and I volunteered to write a scene juxtaposing the experiences of students in Hill House and those living on Central Campus.

I'm not proud of this scene. It has a lot of SLC jokes, and I usually don't appreciate that sort of humor. Additionally, I had a lot of difficulty writing the scene, and was hoping it would be as good as last week's. Alas, some things are not meant to be. Nevertheless, it is presented here.

Dark Times at SLC

The stage is divided in half. One side represents Hill House and the other side represents Central Campus. There are written signs that make this very clear. CARL enters from Central Campus and approaches his friends CASSIE and CARSON.

CARL
Hey guys!

CASSIE
Hey Carl!

CARSON
What’s up man?

CARL
Well, it’s Saturday afternoon, weekend before classes, and I’m thinkin’ it’s time we got a party on up in here!

CARL produces a six-pack of soda pop from his backpack.

CARSON
Sweet!

CASSIE
Diet cream soda!

CENTRAL CAMPUS
Let’s party!

HELGA enters from Hill House and approaches her friends HILDA and HAROLD. They are both sitting at their desks and typing on their laptops.

HELGA
Hi Hilda. Hi Harold.

HILDA and HAROLD
Hi Helga.

HELGA
What are you guys doing this weekend?

HILDA
I’m going to update my LiveJournal, go to some chat rooms, and think about death.

HELGA
Oh.

HAROLD
I’m going to blog on MySpace, spend thirteen hours on Facebook, and cry myself to sleep.

HILDA
Cool.

The CENTRAL CAMPUS STUDENTS are dancing around, jumping up and down, and drinking diet cream soda.

CENTRAL CAMPUS
Party hardy party time! Party hardy party time!

Suddenly, the lights on the CENTRAL CAMPUS side flicker and go out.

CASSIE
What was that?

CARSON
It’s a blackout!

HILDA
I just lost my internet connection!

HAROLD
Me too!

EVERYONE ELSE pops out from the sides of the stage.

EVERYONE ELSE
Dark times at SLC!

EVERYONE ELSE disperses as the scenes continue.

CARL
Everyone just calm down –

HILDA
We’re all gonna die!

The HILL HOUSE STUDENTS scream.

CASSIE
Man, how can we have party without music?

CARSON
I got my guitar right here. We’ll make our own music!

CARL and CASSIE
Sweet!

CARSON takes out his guitar and starts to play it.

HAROLD
Oh my God!

HILDA
This isn’t happening!

HAROLD
I’m supposed to play with my World of Warcraft guild tonight!

HILDA
I’m supposed to be competing in an online pinochle tournament right now!

HELGA
Everyone relax! One of our friends probably has a connection. We’ll give them a call –

HILDA
We can’t! We don’t know their status! They might be pregnant or sleeping!

HELGA
Check their status on Facebook.

HILDA
There is no Facebook! There is no internet! Only oblivion!

HAROLD
I can tell you my status. Harold is very perturbed.

CARSON
Oh dude, guys if we don’t eat all the food in our fridges tonight it’ll go bad.

CARL
Hey, you’re right! What are we going to do?

CASSIE
I know! We’ll have a food party!

CARL and CARSON
Awesome!

CARSON
I’m gonna drink so much milk!

CARL
I’m going to eat my weight in ham!

CASSIE
Let’s go!

The CENTRAL CAMPUS STUDENTS exit. HAROLD opens up a bag of chips.

HILDA
What are you doing?

HAROLD
Harold is hungry.

HILDA takes the bag of chips from HAROLD.

HILDA
Well you can’t eat all my stuff! I order all my groceries online. We’re going to have to make this food last! (To HELGA) What are you doing?

HELGA is writing on a post-it and putting it on Hilda’s wall.

HELGA
I’m writing on your wall. Just because we don’t have the internet doesn’t mean we can’t keep in touch. I bet this is what the pilgrims did when they didn’t have the internet.

HAROLD
Harold is scared and confused.

The CENTRAL CAMPUS STUDENTS enter, rubbing their bellies and looking quite satisfied.

CASSIE
Man, that was the best food party ever!

CARSON
I’m so full!

CARL
Look at us.

HILDA
This is bullshit.

CARL
I’m happy.

HILDA
I’m exhausted.

CARL
You’re happy.

HILDA
You’re hysterical, and Harold can’t stop talking in the third person.

HAROLD
Harold can’t stop talking in the third person.

CARL
(simultaneously) We are in paradise.

HILDA
(simultaneously) We are in hell.

HELGA
I’m freezing, Hilda. I don’t know how much longer I can last. Who knew a world without the internet would be such a cold place? What are we going to do?

HILDA
There’s only one thing we can do.

HELGA
What?

CARSON
Group hug!

The CENTRAL CAMPUS STUDENTS embrace.

HILDA
We need to cut open Harold and crawl inside his body for warmth. Like in “The Empire Strikes Back” when Han puts Luke inside the dead Tauntaun.

HELGA
But what do we do when his body gets cold?

HILDA
We’ll eat it.

HAROLD
Harold doesn’t feel safe.

HILDA and HELGA turn to HAROLD and begin advancing toward him. CARSON has taken out his guitar plays as the CENTRAL CAMPUS STUDENTS sing.

CENTRAL CAMPUS
“Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya.”

HILDA
Come on, Harold.

HELGA
Don’t be afraid.

CENTRAL CAMPUS
“Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya.”

HELGA
Help keep us warm.

CENTRAL CAMPUS
“Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya!”

HILDA brandishes a knife. Unleashing a bloodthirsty battle cry, she plunges the knife into Harold’s stomach.

CENTRAL CAMPUS
“Oh Lord...

HAROLD
Oh cornballs!

CENTRAL CAMPUS
...Kumbaya!"

HILDA and HELGA burrow into Harold’s warm, bloody innards. The End.

Cast of Characters:
CARL...Nick Falgout
CARSON...Eli Taylor
CASSIE...Meaghan Cross
HELGA...Moriah Mason
HILDA...Chet Siegel
HAROLD...Steve Sadin

The Balloon Man

2006-11-23T17:09:40Z

So far, I've had a pretty prolific year in the writing department. Most of this can be attributed to my involvement with Midnight Cabaret, which I have written many scenes for. Despite my productivity, I've yet to post any of these scenes on my LiveJournal.

Today, that changes.

Here is a scene I wrote for this year's first Cabaret performance.

“The Balloon Man”

The BALLOON MAN enters. He is covered in balloons.

BALLOON MAN
Hi. You know, sometimes I wake up in the morning and I feel light as a feather. You know what I mean? You open your eyes and it’s like an invisible force, like little pockets of air under your skin are lifting you up. You know? That’s the feeling I woke up with today. But, uh, it didn’t last. You see, as the day went on I began to spring a few leaks.
KATE enters.
Hi Kate.

KATE
Wha – oh. Hi. Hey, uh, nuh, nay, nev –

BALLOON MAN
Nevan.

KATE
Nevan. Right. Hi.

BALLOON MAN
How are you?

KATE
Fine. Good. I uh –

BALLOON MAN
Did you enjoy the movie last night?

KATE
Uh, yeah? Yes! “Sharks on a Bus”.

BALLOON MAN
“Sharks on a Bus”.

KATE
Sharks.

BALLOON MAN
On a bus. Yeah. You left kind of early. You went to the bathroom and you didn’t come back –

KATE
Yeah I had thing –

BALLOON MAN
Oh!

KATE
A thing, yeah.

BALLOON MAN
Well listen if you want to grab some lunch sometime or something –

KATE
Yeah…

BALLOON MAN
Or maybe some dinner –

KATE
Yeah I don’t think so.

BALLOON MAN
No?

KATE
Yeah, it’s just –

BALLOON MAN
What, “It’s not you it’s me”?

KATE
No, no it’s you. You’re ugly.

KATE takes out a pin and pops one of the balloon man’s balloons. SHE exits.

BALLOON MAN
It was kind of all downhill from there. I checked my phone and there was a message from my RA.

A RESIDENT ADVISOR enters. He is talking into a cell phone.

RESIDENT ADVISOR
Beep. Hi Nevan it’s Eli. Fireman Bob just came through and he wanted me to tell you that your collection of tapestries and medieval candelabras is a “flagrant violation of policy”. He also found a bag of charcoal in your closet, so that’s weird. Anyway he said the fines will probably equal any amount of financial aid you may be receiving. Oh and uh, a lot of people in the hall are saying they think you might have a body odor problem, so you should probably take a shower. Beep.

The RESIDENT ADVISOR pops a balloon and exits.

BALLOON MAN
I was devastated. I rushed to my room to see if I could undo the damage but my roommates were waiting for me.

Two ROOMMATES enter, they are carrying large boxes.

FIRST ROOMMATE
Ooh, Nevan!

SECOND ROOMMATE
Ooh…

FIRST ROOMMATE
Ooh...

ROOMMATES
…awkward.

BALLOON MAN
What’s going on?

SECOND ROOMMATE
We decided you decided to move out.

BALLOON MAN
What? Why?

FIRST ROOMMATE
Fireman Bob told us you’re a fire hazard.

BALLOON MAN
What?

SECOND ROOMMATE
And your drapes clash with my life.

FIRST ROOMMATE
Bye!

SECOND ROOMMATE
Take a shower.

The ROOMMATES shove boxes into balloon man’s arms and each pop a balloon.

BALLOON MAN
So I was broke and homeless. My teacher conference didn’t help much, either. I’d spent hours on my conference work proposal, so I was kind of disappointed by his response.

A TEACHER enters with balloon man’s conference work proposal. He begins laughing hysterically as he reads its contents. The TEACHER exits without popping a balloon. After a moment, the TEACHER quickly opens the door…

TEACHER
I’m going on sabbatical and it’s because of you.

…and pops a balloon.

BALLOON MAN
The rest of the day was a blur. I spent hours wandering the campus, going from The Tea Haus to Bates, from Bates to Kimball Avenue –

A DRIVER and PASSENGER drive past HIM.

PASSENGER
Lesbian!

The PASSENGER and DRIVER pop balloons as they whiz by.

BALLOON MAN
Even the squirrels sounded as if they were making cruel jokes behind my back.

TWO SQUIRRELS enter and chatter secretively. They point at BALLOON MAN and giggle, popping two of his balloons. Every balloon on his body has been popped.

BALLOON MAN
Finally I found myself where all lost souls come to drown their sorrows, The Pub. I ordered a chicken quesadilla and decided to eat it alone in the upstairs loft.

BALLOON MAN begins eating just as LAUREN enters.

LAUREN
Oh, are you studying up here?

BALLOON MAN
(mouth full) No.

LAUREN
I’m Lauren. (No response) I was just wondering because – hey, I know you. You wrote that show last year, “The Stupid Vegetable Play”.

BALLOON MAN
That was the title.

LAUREN
I liked it.

BALLOON MAN
You did?

LAUREN
Yeah I thought it was really funny.

The BALLOON LOVE FAIRY enters and begins pumping up a balloon between balloon man’s legs.

BALLOON MAN
Oh.

LAUREN
Are you working on anything new?

BALLOON MAN
Yeah, actually, if you’d like to read it sometime –

LAUREN
I would.

BALLOON MAN
All right, I’ll send it your way.

LAUREN
Great. Well, I’ll see you around.

BALLOON MAN
Yeah…
LAUREN turns to leave.
Oh, Lauren?
LAUREN turns back around to face HIM. BALLOON MAN takes the balloon from between his legs and holds it out to LAUREN.
Do you like balloons?

THE END

Cast of Characters:
BALLOON MAN…Nevan Scott
KATE…Chet Siegel
RESIDENT ADVISOR…Eli Taylor
FIRST ROOMMATE…Becklien James
SECOND ROOMMATE…Meaghan Cross
TEACHER…Omen Sade
DRIVER…Steve Sadin
PASSENGER…Nick Falgout
FIRST SQUIRREL…Moriah Mason
SECOND SQUIRREL…Ross Wade
LAUREN…Lauren Parrish
BALLOON LOVE FAIRY…Elaine Ruscetta

Adventures in Musical Theatre

2006-11-10T00:50:58Z

I already posted this on the SLC livejournal community, but I thought I'd post it here, too.

Midnight Cabaret presents
Brick by Brick
a staged reading of a new musical
book & lyrics by Ross Wade
music by Nehemiah Luckett
directed by Nevan Scott
based on the works of Edgar Allan Poe

DATE: Saturday, November 11, 2006
TIME: 8:00pm - 11:00pm
PLACE: PAC Dance Theatre

featuring the talents of:
Winston Shaw as Leonard LePage
Liana Stillman as Lenore LePage
Owen Scott as Roderick Raven
Erica Steiner as Rowena Tremaine
Andy Drachenberg as Otto Fortunato
Maggie Robinson as Madame Maillard
Meaghan Cross as Mademoiselle Dupin
with
Brad Harris as Prefect Vidocq and Doctor De Kock
Michelle Ellis as Nurse Joyeuse
Chris Jacobson as Officer Luchesi
Elspeth Shell-Moyer as Nurse Salsafette
Eli Steffen as Officer Lasalle

The performance will be followed by a talk-back with the authors.

Refrigerator Magnets and Wall Calendars

2006-11-09T00:00:41Z

I haven't updated this journal since I've arrived at school, and there's a reason for that. Honestly, this year hasn't quite been what I thought it would be. I've made a lot of mistakes and my goals have not turned out quite as I planned them. That being said, things could be a lot worse and I still have a lot to be thankful for. One of the people I am thankful for is Emily Goo.

During the summer, Emily provided beds, a piano and burritos for Nehemiah and me while we put the finishing touches on the first draft of "Brick by Brick". In addition to this, she is awesome.

Bravo Emily Goo, I applaud your politically active, jazz-singing, music-reading, french-translating, Meredith-performing, Gilbert-and-Sullivan-loving, noun-verbing existence.

The Main Thrust

2006-08-13T19:53:49Z

When Nehemiah and I first began writing Brick by Brick, Erica gave me a book entitled The Musical Theatre Writer's Survival Guide by David Spencer. After reading a few chapters, I decided that this would be my musical theatre bible and haven't deviated from that position since. In Chapter 12 (Acceptable Margins, or: Proper Playscript Formatting), Spencer explains that in competitions and production offices, all scripts are first read by screeners who "determine whether the script gets passed to the higher-ups for more serious consideration." He goes on to say that

The name of the screener's game is to blast through as many as possible as quickly as possible. The synopsis tells the reader how (and often how well) the play is structured, what the play is about, what kind of play it is, and stylistically what it's trying to accomplish. And in providing a quick overview, it gives the reader license to skip around, to read entirely and carefully those sections that she finds potentially interesting, rather than paging quickly through less "important" sections and perhaps, carelessly scanning at random.
So I wrote a synopsis. Spencer specifies that the synopsis should be kept to a "single-spaced single page". I did my best, but there's so much going on in the show I had a lot of difficulty. In the end, I was able to fit it onto a single page using a 10-point font rather than the recommended 12.

Anyway, here is a very condensed synopsis. I left a lot of specific plot details out, concentrating on the main thrust of the story as it relates to the songs. I also tried to emulate the synopses found in the booklets of musical theatre albums, and I think I did a reasonably good job. Whether the synopsis does the show justice is another story. Perhaps some of you could throw in your two-cents.

SYNOPSIS
ACT ONE
The lights rise on the house of writer Leonard LePage, the location of a gruesome crime scene. A trio of policemen looks out over the town of Corbeau, mocking its inhabitants ("We're Not Mad Like Them"). They are about to leave when amateur detective Mademoiselle Dupin enters. She convinces the officers that they are investigating "A Most Peculiar Case".

Through Dupin's narration, we are transported back in time, where Leonard LePage and his wife Lenore are lamenting their impoverished existence in their "House On A Hill". Not only is Lenore Leonard's closest friend, she is also a specter that only he can see. Their solitude is broken by Otto Fortunato, Leonard's agent. When Leonard refuses to revise his latest work, Otto quits ("Your Toast").

Otto's exit is followed by the entrance of Rowena Tremaine, Leonard's fiancée. Complaining that he has never committed to their relationship because he is still grieving over the loss of Lenore, she leaves him and moves out ("Everything But You"). Leonard and Lenore conclude that life is very lonely in their "House On A Hill (Reprise)".

Dupin explains that after the death of Lenore, Leonard began speaking to the spirit of his deceased wife. Dupin recalls the time she visited "The Maison de Santé" where Leonard was treated for his delusions. Madame Maillard, the asylum's superintendent, explains how Leonard was "Too Late" to prevent Lenore's death. During his stay at the asylum, Leonard vowed to "Damn The Beast" who murdered her.

Meanwhile, Leonard and Lenore are visited by Roderick Raven, an agent with a plan to revive Leonard's career and bring Lenore back from the dead ("Can't You Hear My Heartbeat"). Leonard is skeptical, but Lenore convinces him to sign Raven's contract ("Skin to Skin"). A jealous Otto enters, demanding that he gain access to Leonard's priceless wine collection ("A Little Drop Will Do Me"). Raven poisons Otto and both he and Leonard take the body down to the wine cellar, where Raven proposes they leave him to die in an old abandoned crypt ("Brick By Brick").

ACT TWO
The LePages are enjoying Leonard's newfound success in their "House On A Hill (Reprise)", but Lenore is concerned that Raven isn't pulling his weight. Raven convinces Leonard that "Two Heads Are Better Than Three" and he decides to ignore her complaints. Leonard is then visited by Rowena, who knows about Otto. She attempts to blackmail him into marriage ("What's Inside"), but is murdered with a hatchet instead.

Dupin revisits the maison de santé, implying that Leonard was not cured. Insulted, Maillard and her staff explain "The System" they use to treat their patients. In the process, they divulge that they themselves are mad. They lock her up so that their secret will remain safe.

Back at the house on a hill, Leonard discovers that Raven is a fraud. He murders him, dismembering his body and hiding it beneath the floorboards ("Nail By Nail"). When Lenore discovers what he's done, she decides to tell Leonard the truth. It was Leonard who was responsible for her death so many years ago, a memory he had repressed ("Too Late (Reprise)"). Lenore implores Leonard to "Confess Your Sins", but is interrupted by the policemen, who are there on "Police Business". Leonard tries to remain calm, but the ghosts of Raven, Otto and Rowena make it very difficult ("Can't You Hear My Heartbeat (Reprise)"). Leonard eventually breaks down and confesses that it was "Me All Along". He then kills himself and is reunited with Lenore ("Skin To Skin (Reprise)").

Back in the present, Dupin tells the policemen how she escaped from the maison de santé. She concludes that sanity is ultimately subjective, making "Every Man A Madman" in the end.

The Eichler Family Rocks!

2006-08-09T20:05:00Z

This summer I've had some pretty colorful visitors at Ghostly Tours. One family insisted that I be photographed in full costume while holding a mechanical dancing cow. Sadly, most of these people come along for the tour and then walk out of my life forever. Last week though, Ryan, my boss, gave me this letter that he had received:

7-25-06
Hello Gravestone Artwear & York Ghostly Tours:
Enclosed are a few pictures from our York Ghostly Tour with Steven (Stephen?). We had a great time on the tour and in York Village/York Beach. Things have been going well for us since our return to Delaware, so this might be related to the cemetary candle exercise (ritual?).
See you next year,
Paul, Lynn, Steven, Will & John Eichler

To clarify, "Steven" is the character name I use when I give Ghostly Tours. Sadly, I won't be around to give tours next summer, but hopefully the Eichlers will have a delightfully spooky time all the same.

In other news, THE FIRST DRAFT OF BRICK BY BRICK IS DONE! Nehemiah isn't quite done with the music yet, but we'll be getting together to collaborate next week. The first draft of the lyrics and the libretto though, are completed. If you'd like to read it, leave a comment and I'll send it along.

I met with Daniel Kelley yesterday. We ate at this really loud, really messy restaurant called Redbone's. I'm pretty sure the waitress was flirting with Daniel, but I've been wrong about these things before. After that we watched Clash of the Titans and shared some of our recent work with one another. He gave me some great feedback about Brick by Brick. He shared a play with me called Love, Death, and Vengeance, and I think it's my favorite of Daniel's plays.

Yipes! Summer's quickly coming to a close! I better look at the course catalog and figure out what the heck I'll be taking this year.

Have you Hugged a Book Today?

2006-07-31T19:22:31Z

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

5.Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Gee, what do you know? The book closest to my computer as of this moment is The Complete Tales & Poems of Edgar Allan Poe. That's a surprise:

"Wrapped up in meditations I cannot divine, they pass me by unnoticed.
Concealment is utter folly on my part, for the people will not see. It is but
just now that I passed directly before the eyes of the mate; it was no long while ago
that I ventured into the captain's own private cabin, and took thence
the materials with which I write, and have writtten."

That was an excerpt from "MS. Found in a Bottle". I haven't read that one, but now I feel like I've got to! I just quoted it, after all.

For those of you hoping for an update on the musical, it's really coming along. I've made a lot of progress on the libretto, and will post more as soon as it's finished.

Massage by Wayne

2006-07-18T03:42:50Z

Today I went from hotel to hotel in Ogunquit, Maine to refill the card racks with Ghostly Tours brochures. It was a pretty boring afternoon, but finding this ad at "The Yellow Monkey" made it all worth it.

Dramatis Personae

2006-07-13T21:25:50Z

I picked up my last check at Subway today. Dave seemed to feel really contrite about firing me. He even said that I could come back to work for him again during my winter break. I'm pretty sure I don't want to give him the chance to fire me again, though. When I tried to return "Baldur's Gate II" to him, which he had lended me, he insisted I keep it. I guess every cloud...

A couple days ago I wrote short descriptions for all of the characters in Brick by Brick. I had written longer descriptions for some of the central characters earlier in the year, but I thought it might be useful to have little nutshell-sized summaries of each character as I write. With a little revising, I may even include them in the final script if I decide that they would be helpful. I would be lying if I said I wasn't emulating the character descriptions in the Little Shop of Horrors script, as I thought they painted each character very vividly.

C H A R A C T E R S

Leonard LePage
Our dark, brooding protagonist. A tremendously gifted writer, he is full of self-important bravado, eager to inform anyone within earshot of his incomparable talents. Equipped with a healthy sense of pride, he believes there to be no nobler a profession. Spending countless hours behind his writing desk, Leonard’s a product of his work, sporting a pallid complexion, large sunken eyes and a quickly receding hairline.

Lenore LePage
If there’s anyone who can deflate the arrogance and bluster of Leonard LePage, it’s Lenore, his patient and supportive wife. Vibrant and irreverent, she is always ready to pick him up when he’s down and knock him down a few pegs when his ego has got the best of him. Despite her commanding personality, her appearance is lithe and delicate, almost ethereal.

Roderick Raven
Take the grace of a soft shoe dance virtuoso, the cunning of a snake oil salesman, and the smooth, seductive voice of a disc jockey on an easy-listening radio station, and you’ve got Roderick Raven; a conniving agent-for-hire looking for a dip into Leonard’s notoriously deep pockets. Raven is never without his signature black bowler hat, eye patch, and vanity cane.

Rowena Tremaine
Leonard’s long-suffering fiancée. Exceedingly possessive and prone to neurotic episodes, her relationship with Leonard has been anything but peaceful. Writing as a literary critic for the Corbeau Morning Courier under the name Henri le Rennert; she often applauds his work when their relationship is going well and condemns it when it is not. Think Madeline Kahn at her twittery, jittery best.

Madame Maillard
The owner and superintendent on Corbeau’s premier maison de santé. Slathered in cosmetics and bedecked in only the most extravagant ballgowns, Maillard is a portrait of eccentric excess. With a shrill voice and piercing cackle of a laugh, her manner is that of a jubilant hostess. She carries a parasol with her at all times.

Otto Fortunato
With hip flask in hand and garrulous prattle in mouth, Otto is Leonard’s literary agent. A spry old lush, he is unrelentingly jovial so long as his flask is full and his wallet fat. Sporting a handlebar mustache and a twinkle in his eye, Otto has a penchant for fine wines and ill-fitting three-piece suits.

Mademoiselle Dupin
The amateur detective hot on Leonard’s trail and our omniscient narrator. Plucky but naïve, what she lacks in experience and prestige she more than makes up for in passion, grit and thirst for truth. Her manner can best be described as strait-laced, as can her wardrobe. Her hair is tied in a tightly-wound bun.

Prefect Vidocq
Head of the Corbeau Police Department. Humorless and cynical, he sees the world in black and white. His face seems fixed in a perpetual grimace.

Officer Lasalle
Member of the Corbeau Police Department. He is a new recruit and unapologetically obsequious.

Officer Luchesi
Member of the Corbeau Police Department. Corrupt and lecherous, he takes sadistic joy in his work.

Madame Joyeuse
Resident at the maison de santé. She is a venomous old crone who believes she is a donkey.

Monsieur De Kock
Resident at the maison de santé. He is an eerily ghoulish fellow who believes he is a rooster.

Mademoiselle Salsafette
Resident at the maison de santé. She is a soft-spoken young woman who finds clothing to be an intolerable nuisance.

Eat Fresh? Eat This!

2006-07-11T15:13:13Z

So, um, I was just fired from my job.

For the past month I have been working at Subway. The environment has been friendly and the pay better than I’m used to. Little did I know this morning that my employment was about to come to an abrupt, confusing end.

I was just about to go downstairs to slip on my shoes and head for the car when the phone rang. It was “Dave”, my boss. Dave and I had built up a bit of a repartee together, and often ribbed one another at work. As his only male employee, I felt Dave had come to sort of enjoy my company, confiding in me on matters he might not have with the younger employees. When he broke the news to me I was aghast.

“(Nervous laughter) Uh, are you joking with me, Dave?”

“No, I’m sorry but I’ve got to let you go. I wanted to do this to your face but I didn’t want you to come all the way to work this morning for nothing.”

“Why?”

Apparently, I’m too slow. “You’ve been working here for about a month now and you’re just not at the level of service you should be at”, Dave explained. “The morning set-up procedures you perform should be finished in about one-third the time that you’re taking to do them. When there are three people in line you should be taking two of the three orders almost simultaneously. I kept you around for a while, hoping you would improve, but you’re just not giving me what I need.”

His complaints didn’t seem altogether unreasonable. I knew that my attention to detail had been slowing me down and that could be remedied. Though he had never encouraged me to take more than one order at once, I was sure that I was up to the challenge. I asked him to give me an additional week to prove my competence. No dice.

“I’m sorry Ross, it’s just no good. I didn’t want to do this but I have to. You shouldn’t feel bad, though. I think you’re a very hard worker. This job just isn’t for everyone.”

This was the killer. Much like McDonalds or Taco Bell, I had always assumed that working at a fast-food restaurant was for everyone. Sure, Subway’s selection is a little bit healthier than those other places, but that’s pretty much what it boils down to. If I can’t hold down a job at fast food restaurant, then what job is for me?

After Subway fired it's only male employee,
the shop was re-named Dave's Sandwich Harem.
The biggest shock of all was that this came out of nowhere. He didn’t even sit me down to let me know I was on thin ice. I’m a very quality-conscious employee, and I had been sure to ask Dave on a weekly basis how I was coming along and what I could do to improve my performance. Two weeks ago he said that I was “a little slow with the morning set-up stuff”, but by the end of last week he told me (without provocation) how much I had improved! I mentioned this to Dave, explaining that I would have appreciated more of a warning, but it was to no avail.

“I know that would have been nice, but it’s just too late now. You can come and pick up your check at the end of the week.”

I thanked him, though I’m not at all sure why, and hung up.

The thing that really burns my Bunsen about all this is that Dave clearly does not hold all of his employees to the same standards of quality. One employee in particular comes to mind. Let’s call her “Gertie”. When Dave bought the Subway from its previous owner seven months ago, Gertie pretty much came with it. To her credit, Gertie is Dave’s right-hand gal and easily the fastest employee in the joint. Sadly, her good qualities end there.

Gertie often comes in late for work and yesterday she didn’t bother to come in at all. Last week she missed a day of work because she had a court date. Apparently she had been charged with marijuana possession. Dave told me yesterday that the night before she closed up without turning off all the lights or turning off the air conditioning. He then went on to imply that she had been high. I couldn’t really tell if he was joking or not.

I don’t see how someone like that can remain employed while my butt’s out on the curb. At any other job, an employee who told her boss she had to miss work because she had been charged with drug possession would be fired. Am I right? But Dave confided in me that he keeps her employed because he doesn’t think she could hold another job. “I just don’t think she could cut it anywhere else”, he concluded.

Well I think it’s great that he doesn’t have the heart to let her go, but does that mean employees like me should be fired instead?

Brick by Brick we'll hide him...

2006-07-07T05:20:38Z

It is done.

Today I completed the first draft of all of the lyrics for Brick by Brick. Below is a complete list of songs. I know this might not be terribly useful to those of you who don't know the show's storyline (which in pretty much everyone except Nehemiah), but I couldn't resist sharing it. I can't believe the lyrics are done!

Brick by Brick

ACT ONE
1. 	PROLOGUE: WE’RE NOT MAD LIKE THEM the policemen
2. 	A MOST PECULIAR CASE dupin & the policemen
3. 	HOUSE ON A HILL leonard & lenore
4. 	YOUR TOAST otto, leonard & lenore
5. 	EVERYTHING BUT YOU rowena
6. 	REPRISE: HOUSE ON A HILL leonard & lenore
7. 	THE MAISON DE SANTÉ maillard & staff 
8. 	TOO LATE maillard & staff with dupin
9. 	DAMN THE BEAST leonard, maillard & lenore
10.	CAN’T YOU HEAR MY HEARTBEAT raven & leonard
11.	SKIN TO SKIN lenore & the dead
12.	A LITTLE DROP WILL DO ME / REPRISE: YOUR TOAST otto
13.	BRICK BY BRICK raven, leonard, otto, rowena & dupin
ACT TWO
14.	REPRISE: HOUSE ON A HILL leonard & lenore
15.	TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN THREE raven, lenore & leonard
16.	WHAT’S INSIDE rowena & leonard
17.	THE SYSTEM maillard & staff
18.	NAIL BY NAIL leonard & raven
19.	CONFESS YOUR SINS lenore & the dead
20.	FINAL CONFRONTATION
		a. POLICE BUSINESS the policemen
		b. REPRISE: CAN’T YOU HEAR MY HEARTBEAT company
		c. ME ALL ALONG leonard
		d. REPRISE: SKIN TO SKIN lenore & leonard
21.	EVERY MAN A MADMAN dupin & company

There are a couple songs I'm still on the fence about, and I'm not sure they'll survive very far past the first reading (without major revisions), but they'll be just fine for now. Now it's time to take on what is perhaps the most daunting task of all: the libretto.

I've been with Del Griffith.

2006-07-02T03:24:59Z

We have John Hughes to thank for the most wonderful union in cinematic history.

Hail Satan.

2006-06-29T05:18:22Z

Today I gave my first Ghostly Tour of the year. It was a small, intimate tour, populated by an aunt and her niece and nephew. They were from Louisiana. No tip. It was quick, painless, and not particularly memorable. No, my friends, the memorable moment of the evening took place twenty minutes before the tour even began. This was the moment I met John, who I would later (and by later I mean right now) call Crazy John.

I was gathering my Ghostly Tour props into a tidy little bundle in a parking lot about two hundred feet from the tour’s headquarters. Just as I was closing my car door, a heard a voice from behind me ask, “Do you live around here?”

I didn’t know it yet, but this was John. His face was long. His head was bald. His mouth was half-empty, missing all of his bottom teeth save for his two canines. His voice? Soft and earnest. His manner? Gregarious. He looked to be somewhere in his late 40’s to early 50’s and was wearing a Boston Red Sox sweatshirt and bluejeans.

“I’m not trying to be weird or anything, I just like talking to people”, he insisted. “I just moved here and I don’t really know anyone. I used to live in Boston and people didn’t really like talking there. I’m John, by the way, but my friends call me J – O.”

I told him that I only drop by once a week, and that I could relate, seeing as I spent a lot of my time in NYC. After he asked me to elaborate, I went on to explain that I was a student, and that I primarily studied playwriting.

“What kind of books do you like to read?” he inquired.

I told him I was thinking about reading Oliver Twist, because I was currently performing in the musical adaptation. He instantly whirled around and opened the car door to the back seat of his car.

John's car was stuffed to the gills with surfing equipment. There was an orange surfboard in the passenger seat, a large boogie board in the back seat, another yellow surfboard next to the boogie board, and some equipment that vaguely resembled scuba gear on the floor of the car. I didn’t inquire about any of this, and I regret that. When John turned back around, he handed me a book:

I was stunned. Of all the books he could have given me, I never would have expected Faust. I’ve never read it but have always wanted to. I thanked him and asked him how I should return it to him when I was finished.

“You could just put it on my car”, he suggested, “but it might not be around much longer. I got a ticket from police officer and I’m probably going to lose my license. I was going eighty-three in a twenty-five. You know, I had the Dave Matthews Band playing, and I always drive really fast when I’m listening to Dave.”

“Yeah, that kind of music really gets the blood moving”, I agreed.

“They fined me five-thousand dollars.”

“Five-thousand dollars!”

“Yeah, so I’ll probably lose my license. But if you’re done with the book, you can just put it in my mailbox; it’s the white one next to the black one in front of the brick building across the street. The book’s great; I think you’ll like it.” And with that, he flashed me a half-empty smile and drove away into the sunset.

I awkwardly walked into some bushes as I made my way to the Ghostly Tours Headquarters. When I got there, I told Ryan, my boss, about the encounter.

“You met John? Yeah, that guy’s nuts, huh?”

“He’s very sociable.”

“Yeah, and he’s nuts. I met him a couple weeks ago.”

Ryan’s a substitute teacher at a high school in York. He’s pretty reserved and soft-spoken, especially for someone who owns “Ghostly Tours”. He inherited the business last summer from an older teacher who had grown tired of running it. Anyway, even though John was definitely overwhelmingly friendly, I insisted that he wasn’t “nuts”, and left to go give my tour.

It wasn’t until later that night that I realized how wrong I was. Once I was home, I decided to curl up on the couch and dig into Faust. There was just one problem.

It was in German.

All of it.

Crazy John had given me an un-adapted edition of Faust. He obviously hadn’t read it. And even if he had, wouldn’t it have crossed his mind to ask if I could read German?

Now what am I supposed to do? I could wait a while and then drop it in his mailbox. That might give the impression that I actually read it. But is that the impression that I want to give? Next Wednesday, I think I’ll just return it with a polite note explaining that I couldn’t read it because it was in German. That’s a good idea, right?

I just don't know anymore.

But I do have a theory.

If you ask me, there's only one being who would drive around at eighty-three miles an hour listening to Dave Matthews in car filled with surfing equipment, handing out un-adapted copies of Faust to non-German-speaking readers.

Who?

The Devil, that's who.

Thank you, Crazy John, thank you for giving me a book I can't read.

Hail Satan.

I will be your Ghostly Guide, "Steven".

2006-06-27T22:28:57Z

Last summer I gave walking, candle-lit "performances" (as I refer to them) for Ghostly Tours in York, Maine. I've been looking forward to starting up again, so when I received a response to my e-mail to Ryan, the owner, I was ecstatic.

He wants me to start giving tours.

Tomorrow.

Aah! Tomorrow! That gives me one day to review and re-memorize over an hour's worth of material. I've got to practice my schtick! I've got to walk my route! I've got to find all my props!

Aah!

Last year I gave tours twice a week, but this year, because of OLIVER!, I'll probably just give them once a week, on Wednesdays. It's too bad, but if I tried to keep up the same schedule I did last summer, I wouldn't have any time to write.

Well, better go get spooky.